Pink and Little Blue were partaking in some excellent food at Pei Wei (Pay Way) at 119th and I-35 this evening for dinner. Little Blue likes it because there are chop sticks on the table AND he gets a fortune cookie after he eats a good dinner.
I like it because I go get the fortune cookie after he's eaten...it doesn't come with the check and I have to keep telling "when you eat a good dinner, you can eat the cookie that's staring you in the face. Oooh, and good food too.
Anyway, the fam is there and we're just sitting down to eat. Pink is cutting up his noodles so they don't go around LB's neck while he's trying to bring them to his mouth. Very wisely, she also moves his teryaki chicken aside to cool.
Pink hands over the bowl with noodles to Little Blue and he gets the "oh joy...what is this?" sarcastic look on his face.
So, in "I want to have a nice dinner and hopefully not have to talk sternly to LB and make him eat his dinner" style, I give a little cheer of, "Noodles?! I don't even get noodles! Eat'em up man!"
*enter the old woman*
I don't know is she got startled at my overjoyous cheer for noodles, whether the thought I was a moron, or she didn't want to be close to a child but, she gave me the dirtiest "eat shit and die" look I've EVER gotten from an old woman.
So immediatly in my "don't wear your emotions on your face" reaction, I imagined several retorts. All limited to actually being performed because 1) I enjoy being psychologically evil and 2) I was wearing my library polo, and 3) I'm just too damned nice.
- I get up, and walk over and ask if she has a problem with my son's noodles in the most serious of serious faces...just to see her reaction.
- To walk up and smack her for not being a bitch, but looking like one and acting like it.
- Ask her if her pompus old bitty friends would read the effing sign and that clearly states, "for the convenience of our guests, please order your food before taking a seat." Read the rules, god damn it. I sure as hell won't kick you out of your own seat at your house because I respect your rules...respect the rules of where you are. Just because you look like a rich ass joco bitch doesn't mean you have to look like one and hide the damn smell of her anti wrinking fermaldahyde with so much anti-stink juice I can taste it over my honey seared chicken.
- Politely ask her to refrain from make rude faces at my family.
- Politely ask her to refrain from make rude faces at my son's noodles...just to see her reaction.
- "I'm sorry, does my enthusiasm for fatherhood offend you? When was the last time you showed enthusiasm for your kids?"
- "I'm sorry, but I really like noodles and I was jealous that my two year old's dinner came with it and mind didn't."
- "I'm sorry ma'am, but I couldn't help you very obtusely observing some of the techniques I use to persuade my son to enjoy his dinner. If you object to my techniques, please keep your fugly face out of my line of site. K?"
- "I'm sorry ma'am, but I noticed that your trying to remember an answer to a question that I can answer for you. However, since you gave me a dirty ass look over my son's noodles, I'm going to pull a 'neener neener I know the answer and you don't' attitude because karma can bite your ass, bitch."